Breaking the Habit
by Rowan Fox
Summary: It only hurts when I think of you...Kurama is thinking about the night Kuronue died, and is finally feeling what he should have long ago. Thieves steal more than gold...Angsty fluff, KK


Breaking the Habit---This is a song fiction I wrote from Kurama's POV about what happened with Kuronue and the repercussions of it. It takes place after the second movie, and is more or less angst-like. I really like the way Kurama's emotions are put into play here, and I really enjoyed writing this. Check out LP's CD (Meteora) to hear this song (track 10) It's awesome. Please read and review, and check out my other bits of writings! (PS-Slight Karasu Bashing Ahead)

Claimage: I claim what I write. Steal my writing, and I hunt you down. McDonalds got sued b/c someone spilled hot coffee on himself. Just remember that.

Disclaimer: If you have read anything else by me, you oughtta know by now my view on disclaimers. So I'll put another one here to amuse you. I own absolutely nothing by YYH, because if it were me up there in YYH castle, not Togashi, I would have all the boys in Japan dye their hair red and put in green contacts just to amuse me. And January fourth would be a day to celebrate nothing but Kurama and Hiei. Oh, and I don't own Linkin' Park. Cause if I did, Chester would living in my friend Sarah's house. Enjoy!

* * *

_**Memories consume**_

_**Like opening the wound**_

* * *

"Thank you for dinner, Mother..."

"You're welcome Suuichi, hope you enjoyed it."

The redheaded boy nodded, and smiled. He went over to the woman and kissed her on the cheek, then retreated up the stairs. As soon as he reached the landing, he ran a hand through his long red locks, fingers twitching a little. He sighed, and noticed subconsciously that his lungs felt several pounds heavier in his chest than they should feel.

_ Kuronue..._

His steps faltered, and he leaned against the wall with one hand, holding his head with the other. _Why does this keep happening? Kuronue is dead..._But the memories that kept drowning him wouldn't fade. Shaking his head, he kept on walking down the hallway to his room, and opened the door. He shut it gently behind him, leaning against it for a minute in the dark. Why...Why was this happening to him now? It had hurt so badly then, when he was the thief Youko Kurama, and now it was returning to hang on his shoulder again.

Kuronue was the only person he'd ever entrusted with his truths and emotions, the only person in Makai he was ever fond of. And he had died. All because of his stupid amulet. Ever since closing the portals with Yusuke and the others and having to fight Kuronue's image, he'd been having memories flash before his eyes, stalk him during his day, and haunt him in his nightmares. It was like an injury, the way it hurt even when he wasn't thinking about it. That thought then brought forth more memories, of Kuronue helping him when he'd been hurt, and Kurama moaned slightly.

* * *

_**I'm picking me apart again**_

* * *

_I should have been there…I should have saved him, given my own life, as he would have done for me._ Kurama twisted the lock on his door, and walked over to the window. It was unlocked for Hiei, as always, and he made no move to make it otherwise. He turned on the CD player on his dresser, and then crawled onto his bed. Sighing and listening to the music as it started, the electric guitars soothing his pounding head a little. He reached over and grabbed a match from on top of his headboard and lit one of the candles on his nightstand. Thunder boomed in the distance, and he allowed himself to lean his head against his headboard, feeling exhausted. _I should have saved him…why didn't I react? Why didn't I grab him or something? We were going to take the mirror, then go back to my den, and everything was supposed to be fine. Then that amulet broke, and he'd stopped…and then he died…_Kurama closed his eyes, revisiting the forest scene in his mind, seeing clearly everything that had happened.

* * *

_**You all assume**_

_**I'm safe here in my room**_

* * *

Despite his pounding head, he laughed a little darkly. 

"Kuronue…what would you say if you saw me now? In this human body of mine, helping the Spirit Detective himself, practically partners with Hiei of the Evil Eye…stuck in the Ningenkai, and working for Koenma. Who would have thought it possible? You would probably say that I've gone weak, that I'm of no good anymore." He sighed, and the sadness tugged on his heart, making it beat more slowly with remorse. _Stuck in the Ningenkai…_his words rung in his head as he thought about it. It was completely true. _They all think I'm the infamous Suuichi Minamino, excellent student, role-model son, perfect in everyway…_His human alias even had his own fan club, so he'd heard. But then, they were all girls, (well, most anyway), and they only adored him for his gentle ways and gorgeous looks.   
  
Smirking, he ran his tongue over his canine teeth, remembering when he'd flash a pointed grin at a pretty female in Makai, and within the hour, they'd be under his covers in his den. Many a girl fox spirit had lost her tail that way…but he couldn't do that now, he had no desire to. They all thought he was a god-sent angel, but he wasn't…he belonged in hell. Not that he'd never experienced anything like that. Yusuke and the oaf Kuwabara had no idea what happened in Makai…

* * *

_**Unless I try to start again**_

* * *

"Suuichi?" 

"Yes, mother?"

"You should go take your shower now, the storm will come soon and I heard it will be lightning."

"Ok, thank you."

Heaving himself off the bed after the words spoken through the door, he opened the door to his adjoined bathroom, and grabbed two towels off the shelf. He could never show them how his mind worked when he was alone. All the dark feelings and thoughts that continually ran across his mind, they could never be voiced. _I think only Hiei truly knows what I'm like. My Youko side, and my…other side. Maybe I should have just died there with Kuronue. I can't believe I abandoned him, it goes against everything my code says…_

**Kurama…don't blame yourself, I told you to go, I don't blame you, I'm just glad you survived** Kurama jerked his head up. That…it sounded just like Kuronue, so clearly, in his mind. Is that what he would truly say? Is that how he felt? Undoing the clasp on the collar of his shirt, he pulled it up over his head, folding it neatly against his chest and laying it on the counter. _I don't want to do this anymore Kuronue, please; I should have just stayed with you. It's so hard having to live with this never-ending guilt_. But then he felt another pang of Kuronue's essence in him, and he knew that Kuronue would have wanted him to survive at all costs.   
  
Pulling off and folding the rest of his clothes, he shook out his hair, feeling the long red mane brush softly against skin, all the way down his lower back. At least Shiori let him keep his long hair, which was something of a memory. _I don't want to have to live with this guilt, I'm tired of not knowing what side I'm supposed to be loyal to, I always push myself into battles first, because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll second-guess myself, and then I'll hesitate to help them…everyone was my enemy before, do they think that after 15 years, I've changed that much?_

* * *

**_I don't want to be the one_**

**_The battles always choose_**

* * *

Growling in aggravation, he fisted one hand in his bangs, and pulled back, trying to shake this feeling of uncertainty and sadness and guilt. All of his fights, why did they always have to bring up those painful memories? _Kuronue, Karasu…he growled and was tempted to throw something against a wall as he thought of that sick psycho…But I'm just so tired of having these memories haunt me, and make me hold back…I want to be like Hiei, who can give his all in a fight, no matter who is being threatened, no matter where he is, no matter what. Must be nice…_then a sharp pang of guilt hit him, and this he wasn't aggravated at. He wasn't really envious of Hiei, and he knew that Hiei had his own problems and matters keeping him going. He was just confused is all, and he was just trying to pin his thoughts on anyone else other than himself. 

He smiled a little, and turned the shower faucet on, and felt the comforting hot water spray down onto his hand. Stepping into it, he let the water run trails down his body as memories hit him again.

This one was of him and Kuronue, after a major heist, and they had gone to Youko Kurama's private springs, where they had both stripped down and spent the afternoon soaking in the hot mineral waters, congratulating each other on their excellent work. The waterfall there, it had made rivers down his body just like his shower…He almost laughed, thinking of these pleasant memories with that idiot. Then the feeling of Kuronue's essence made itself present once more, and Kurama had the distinct impression that this was how his partner in crime wanted to be remembered. But then, the laughing image of Kuronue's face turned to the one of terror and panic as the amulet slipped from his neck…

* * *

_**'Cause inside I realize**_

_**That I'm the one confused**_

* * *

Kurama had to fight the urge to slam a fist against the shower tile, as he remembered the last emotions he'd seen on Kuronue's face…fear, pain…all those things a friend should never have to feel. Things that a partner should be willing to take from another. But…yet Kuronue had told him to go. He never said what he hadn't meant. Scrubbing shampoo into his hair now, the familiar flowery scent around him, he wondered about this for a while. It soon hit him why he didn't think about this often. He was the one confused about life. Not Yusuke, the teenage spirit detective who was just picked off the street one day, no direction to go in at all, not Kuwabara, who was clueless about mostly everything, not Hiei, who never really seemed to have any set mission in life…no…. _It's me. Kuronue…if only I could speak to you one last time. Maybe I could live with myself then…_

* * *

**_I don't know what's worth fighting for_**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

* * *

He rinsed the soap from his hair, keeping his eyes closed for much longer under the water than was necessary. _How am I supposed to figure out my loyalties? How do I know what's worth sticking up for? How can I possibly redeem myself?_ Biting his lip and holding back tears of frustration, he wrung out his long red hair over his shoulder, and had to fight back a feral yell of pain. It was as though someone was prickling white-hot pins all over his body, the way _his molecules seemed to be reacting at the surge of emotion that had just enveloped him. Kuronue…_

* * *

_**I don't know why I instigate**_

_**And say what I don't mean**_

* * *

_What would I have said to him? Honestly, what could I say to express what he had meant to Youko?_ Another memory hit him as he worked conditioner through the bottom of his tresses, making his stomach wrench with guilt. 

Kuronue, injured because another lower class demon had caught him unaware when he was sleeping, had come back to Youko's den during a storm.

Youko had been extremely exhausted lately because instead of sleeping, he had been watching a palace he'd been planning to break into for weeks now. That and with the recent shortage of food, when a soaking wet bat demon showed up at his place trying to get him to help with the healing and being stubborn as usual…well, the result hadn't been good for either. Youko had looked up and sneered, Kurama remembered vividly.

"What, Kuronue-chan, did you get caught again? Or is your sonar broken or something?"

"Not now Youko…don't instigate me, I just might bite you. C'mon, get up off your lazy tail and help me."

"No, I'm sleeping, and leave my tail out of this. Go somewhere else. I don't need anyone else here."

"NO, Youko, I need you NOW."

"Stupid bat…you ought to learn to stop coming to me for help all the time…"

Grumbling and complaining as he rose, he quickly healed Kuronue's wounds (with the crudest means possible and didn't bother using the special herbs that stopped pain). Ripping off a piece of his own already bloodstained and dirty tunic, he used that for bandages instead of the specially woven cloth he normally utilized. He flung a rag (that was the thinnest and most worn he owned) at the bat demon and told him to go sleep on the other side of his den, near the mouth, where it was cold and dripping water. Kuronue hadn't spoken to him for weeks after that.

* * *

_**I don't know how I got this way**_

_**I know it's not alright**_

* * *

_Gods, Kuro, I am sorry…sorry for every harsh word I ever flung at you…sorry for the treatment you never deserved. I know now that I can't possibly treat others like that. Only those who deserved to be punished should be. And…gods, I'm sorry…_Kurama rinsed the conditioner out of his hair and scrubbed his body down with a thick blue cloth and a bar of soap, rubbing harder than usual, as he tried to scrape the memories away from his eyes, out of his mind. _Kuronue…I never meant what I said to you that night…_There was Kuronue's essence again. Telling him…speaking: **You idiot, I never took any of that seriously, with all the stupid crap you've told me that I didn't need to hear? You were still my best friend, still my partner. You only helped me learn with that…** Kurama shook his head. He was nuts. Now he was imagining the bat was speaking to him. But yet, he knew that what he heard was true. That that was what he would have said. Climbing out of his shower now just as he thunder rolled again, he wrapped a red towel around his waist, and leaned against the mirror, feeling the cold glass against his cheek. _Kuronue, I don't know how to forget about you, I just want to know that I could possibly be forgiven…for what I did…and for what I didn't do. _

* * *

_**So I'm breaking the habit**_

_**I'm breaking the habit **_

_**Tonight**_

* * *

Picking up another towel, he eased off the mirror and started toweling his hair dry. _I refuse to do this any longer…I can't. If I let myself be resolved on guilt, it will take over me. Then Mother will worry…_He sighed again. Maybe he should just escape to the Makai, leave everyone behind, and let the demons down there tear him apart. But he knew in the back of his mind that he was just being irrational now. He took the towel out of his hair, and tossed it over his shoulder, walking out from the bathroom. What happened that night that was making him feel so much guilt? He should be over it by now.   
  
When he had gotten changed into his nightclothes, he sat on his bed, listening to the rain pound on the window and the electric guitars of the music. Why was he feeling so much more remorse than when he'd been Youko? Why were the repercussions coming now? He sighed and looked down, red strands of hair falling forward to hide his emerald eyes. He reached across the bed to his nightstand, and opened one drawer, fumbling around inside of it. He pulled out a long, folded strip of rough black fabric. It was one of the thin strips of cloth Kuronue always had had wound around his arms. It had fallen off during the mirror heist, and Kurama had grabbed it. But then…they had caught him, and Kurama never had a chance to return it. It was all he had left of his partner in crime.

* * *

_**Clutching my cure**_

_**I tightly lock the door**_

* * *

Winding around his wrist, Kurama got off his bed and went to the door. He didn't need his mother to come in on him, though she rarely did. She would just think he was asleep. She had the key anyway, but hopefully would leave him alone. He leaned against it once more briefly, fingering the cloth, gone soft with age in his slender fingers. He found his way back to the bed, and sat on the edge of it, looking down at his only memory of the bat demon. _Why, Kuronue? Why didn't I save you? Why did you have to go back for that stupid pendulum? Why was it so important? Why didn't everything go as planned? Why…_Kurama gave a dry heave in anguish, eyebrows drawing together, lips pressed tight against each other as he slowly closed his large green eyes. He opened them again after a long moment, and for just a split second, an outsider could have sworn that the boy's eyes had been gold.

* * *

**_I try to catch my breath again_**

**_I hurt much more_**

* * *

He gave a dry sob again, and pulled back his covers roughly, still having the black strip of cloth wound around his left wrist, ends falling in between his forefinger and thumb. He pulled the blankets over him, only leaving his arms and head exposed. He gave another dry sob, and rolled over onto his side, clutching the blankets closer to him for warmth. He knew why it was hurting him now. What had happened? It all made sense. He took several deep breaths, but this didn't help. All Kurama could do was shake his head and burrow deeper into his covers, still rubbing the fabric. 

"Kuronue…I never finished, did I? I never had the chance…" he mumbled, closing his eyes as hot tears spilled down his face, finally allowing his dry heaves to come into fruition. It was true though. He had never gotten the chance to properly grieve for his friend. Even before he had come to the ningen schools, he knew that remorse worked in a certain pattern. Shock, anger, denial, then guilt and grief. He had never passed through all of those stages. In the Makai, there was just too much danger and risk. You didn't have time to be grieving and vulnerable. So when Youko had died, and fled to the ningenkai, and was born into the his human form, Suuichi Minamino…now it was coming back to him multiple times worse than it should have been.

* * *

_**Than anytime before**_

_**I had no options left again**_

* * *

"Damn it, Kuronue…I'm sorry…I had no other choice." he choked through his tears now. He slammed his fists into his pillows, suddenly furious with sorrow. "You stupid idiot, you should have left it! It was just a stupid pendant, we could've stolen another one!" Kurama said angrily, wiping the back of his hand violently across his eyes. "You idiot…I couldn't do anything…I was selfish though. I left; I could've saved you! You moron…" his anger hardened voice said, trailing off softly. He lay down forcefully on his pillows again, shaking his head still, wishing that these tears would stop. But he knew that after this was over, he would be better off for it. Guilt and grief…He was going through the final two steps of repentance.   
  
"You see Kuronue? You see?! Even though I didn't die, I still can't live in peace, knowing that I could have done something!" Kurama yelled furiously, hoping his mother wouldn't come check on him.

* * *

_**I'll paint it on the walls**_

_**'Cause I'm the one at fault**_

* * *

"I'm so sorry…I should have died, should have saved you, I don't care if you told me to run. It was cowardice…." his sobs were quieter now, more gentle as he lay in bed, listening to the storm blow outside. Rain pounded against his windows; thunder crashed not so in the distance, and lighting lit up his room at random intervals. Wind howled and blew leaves around his house, and thought of how much worse the storms in Makai were, and how for many of them, he and Kuronue had spent many a night going through their most treasured possessions on the floor of Youko's den. Sometimes eating that night's meal, which could have been made, or stolen, like many things were of their possession.   
  
"It was my fault you died, Kuronue. It was my fault…I know this, why won't it stop hurting?" he said quietly, tears having drained him of energy. _Is this what I would've been like if Mother had died?_ Silently, he thanked the gods for Yusuke having had been there to help save his Mother's life. Not that it mattered; he would have died in exchange for his mother's life anyway.   
  
"I don't know what else to do, Kuronue…I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I broke the first law of the thief's code, never betray unless betrayed. But it also says that the past is the past, live in the present. Except…I can't do that just yet."

* * *

_**I'll never fight again**_

_**And this is how it ends**_

* * *

He felt some of Kuronue's essence within him again, and he held onto it dearly. It felt as though it was slipping away. 

**Never leave a task unfinished, Kurama…remember the Thief's Law…**

Kurama rolled onto his other side and sat up slowly, looking down at his pillow, stained with his fallen tears. _End this tonight…I'm going to finish what I was supposed to do a long time ago._ Wiping the final remnants of his tears from his face, and taking a deep breath, he looked down at Kuronue's wrapping. _Kuronue, it's time for me to let go. It's time for me to forget; to live again. I'm not going to fight with myself anymore._ He pulled his covers aside and felt the cold floorboards beneath his feet, but didn't show any sign of the coldness.

"I'm not going to torment myself any longer. That's what you wanted, didn't you? Well, I think it's time that I accepted the fact. You were my best friend, my partner, my life source, my reason for living at times, my sanity…and now that you've left, I've learned to cope…"

He sighed again, and ran his hand through his hair.

"It's time I left you behind."

* * *

_**I don't know what's worth fighting for**_

_**Or why I have to scream**_

* * *

Kurama bowed his head slightly, and started to walk over to his window, watching the flashing lightning strike down to kiss the surface of the Earth. He began unwinding the black strip from his hand, eyes fixed on the window.

* * *

_**But now I have some clarity**_

_**To show you what I mean**_

* * *

_Finally, I understand. My loyalties will lie to whomever I am loyal to, and I will act on instinct, for there is n other way to be. Tonight has shown me that_. Still Kurama stepped closer and closer to the window, running the cloth over his palm and the back of his hands, weaving it between his fingers.

* * *

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I'll never be alright_**

* * *

Kurama stepped in front of the window, and leaned his hands on the windowsill, looking out into the storm. Wind blew furiously at the trees in front of his house, as he looked down from his upstairs room. He looked down at the fabric, again, and bowed his head in a final farewell to the memory of his partner in crime.

* * *

_**So, I'm breaking the habit**_

* * *

He untangled the cloth from his hand completely, folding it in half, then in half again, and so forth until it was just a piece of thick fabric four inches long. Pushing his fingers into the crack under his window, he pulled upwards.

* * *

_**I'm breaking the habit **_

* * *

Rain poured into the room, and lightning crashed again, illuminating the calm face of the redheaded boy at the window. He stuck his arms, head and shoulders though the window, which was larger than normal.

* * *

_**I'm breaking the habit **_

* * *

Extending his left arm slowly as thunder rolled in the dark clouds above him, he let the fabric unfold itself as it wavered in the wind, him only holding onto the end. The wind tore at it furiously, and as Kurama watched another spindly tree of lightning crash down, he looked at the fabric.

* * *

**_Tonight_**

* * *

"Farewell, Kuronue. Rest in peace, my friend. One day, we will meet again." 

Then, he let the fabric slip from his fingers, watching the wind take it, twist it around in itself, and pull it away into the stormy sky.   
  
**I'll be waiting Kurama…goodbye….**  
  
Kurama smiled and retracted himself, closing the window quietly, and leaning against it, smiling slightly.

"Goodbye, Kuronue, my friend. Goodbye…"


End file.
